Roasted Chicken

I made a chicken. And I roasted potatoes and carrots under the seven pound bird. That however, was all after I had to rip out the neck, liver, and whatever else caused me to violently gag and say a few things that are too inappropriate for this blog. Anyway, though, the chicken was delicious and may have earned me a few points from my amazing bf.

While I didn't really measure anything out, I'd like to give you an idea of what I did just in case you'd like to bake up a chicken for you sweetheart. 

1. After you remove the innards and all of the gross stuff that I previously spoke of, tie the chicken's legs together with a piece of twine. Being that I did not have twine handy because I used it all wrapping a gift, I used friendship bracelet string. Some of you may refer to it as "embroidery floss." Call it what you will, just be sure to tie up the legs so that your roaster not only looks awesome once it's done baking, but also so that it cooks more evenly.

2. Cut an onion in half. Cover each half in olive oil and garlic. Then, stuff the onions into the gaping hole within the chicken. Can we not talk about that part anymore?

3. Next, find a small bowl and create a rather fragrant mixture of the following herbs. Let's just say  1/4 teaspoon of the following: Rosemary, Sage, Thyme. I may have sprinkled a dash of "Poultry Seasoning" in there, too... who knows what's in that? Mix it all together. Add salt and pepper until it tastes delicious.

4. Add a few cloves (I used 6) of pressed garlic to the salty herb mixture. Now add a few tablespoons of olive oil. Mix around until you have a nice thick paste.

5. Pretend you're a massage therapist and give your chicken a nice oily rub-down. Seriously, though, make sure that you've evenly coated your chicken so as to ensure that every piece of this ol' clucker here will be quite tasty.

6. Plop the bird on top of potatoes, carrots, and any other vegetables that you may fancy. If you're roasting potatoes under the chicken rather than along the sides of the chicken (I think this is how normal people do it), be sure to poke holes in them so that they bake all the way through. 

7. Bake until the thermometer pops up. Wow... you will make an amazing housespouse.

Pin It

Parmesan Chicken

Have I got it backwards? Did I mean to write "Chicken Parmesan"? Heck no... this was a strategic move, as there is something commonly associated with the term "Chicken Parmesan" that alludes to a dish that is more elaborate than Parmesan Chicken. Let me tell you about a my gripe with Chicken Parmesan. Most people do not know how to make it correctly. It's called chicken PARMESAN for a reason... because there is some sort of non-mozzarella component in there, right? Right.

Well this is how most people make it, and if you fall under this category, no worries. Just know that help is on the way and you'll soon have all the tools necessary to make a bitchin' dinner that involves more explosions than the Fourth of July. Only these little pyrotechnic treats will occur on your taste buds rather than in a sky that sprinkles bird urine from time to time.

This is probably how YOU make CP: Coat chicken with bread crumbs. Cover with sauce. Bake. Put cheese on it 3 minutes before it comes out of the oven. This isn't a bad start, but lemme tell you, something even better is knocking on your door.

Ingredients:
1 pound of chicken breast (I like to pound it down to make scallopini, but whether you like your breasts big or little is your deal, not mine!)
1/4 cup Parmesan cheese (shredded is best, but grated is okay)
1/2 cup breadcrumbs
1 egg
2 or 3 tablespoons water
1/4 cup white flour
salt, pepper, and dried basil to taste

Method:
1. Heat oven to 350'.

2. Get three shallow dishes. Put egg and water in one and whisk away until the skin on your arm begins to waddle. Put flour, salt, pepper, and basil in the second dish. In the remaining dish, combine the cheese and breadcrumbs. Add salt, pepper, and basil to this bowl if desired.

3. Dredge chicken in flour. Simply stated, this means that you should coat both sides of your chicken in the flour mixture.

4. Dip flour-coated chicken in egg mixture. Be sure to completely cover both sides.

5. Now coat chicken with the cheese-breadcrumb mixture.

6. Place in baking dish and bake for 20 minutes. ****

**** If you want to proceed to ruin this dish, ahem, I mean turn this into traditional chicken parm, proceed the following way:

1. Before placing chicken in baking dish, spread a thin layer of sauce on the bottom.

2. Put chicken in dish.

3. Cover chicken with sauce. Jarred or homemade. I don't judge.

4. Bake for 17 minutes. Take out of the oven and melt about a 1/2 cup of mozzarella cheese over the breasts. Slide back into oven and bake for three more minutes, which is all it should take for cheese to melt.

Enjoy!

If you have the time, brine the chicken breast in lightly salted water before attempting to make this dish. This is something you can do the hour before. It is NOT necessary for the success of this chicken, though.

I like to serve this chicken with roasted green beans and red potatoes. Pin It