Red Light Bars

Last night after I returned home from another gruelling day at the office (actually that's a lie... it wasn't bad at all), I decided that I wanted to whip up a rather delicious treat of the sweet variety. Having neither the time, nor the majority of the ingredients necessary to make something chocolaty, I did something that I have only done a handful of times... I used a mix. That's right, I went to the store wearing a scarf over my head and a pair of sunglasses over my eyes, and bought two boxes of baking mix. Don't judge me- I know you've done it and I bet you've even tried to pass it off as homemade.

After I shelled out the cash for my embarrassing purchase, I sped home and immediately turned up the heat (literally and figuratively) in the kitchen. Eggs were cracking, spatulas were spreading, and knives were cutting... and this is what I came up with... a delicious layered bar that boasts a chocolate chip cookie crust topped with sliced bananas and a layer of brownie. I call them Red Light Bars.

Why are they called Red Light Bars? Because they're super easy (like the women who hang out in the Red Light District) and because they rely on bananas to give them that extra little something (just like previously mentioned women). If this offends you, call them something cute... like monkey bars. However, for as long as I can get away with it (i.e. for as long as I don't have children), I'm going to keep this suggestive name and hope for the best.

Ingredients:

Chocolate Chip Cookie Mix

3 Bananas, sliced into 1/4" pieces

Brownie Mix (don't use anything but Ghiradelli or you'll be sorry)

All the ingredients that the mixes call for

Method:

1. Preheat oven to 350'.

2. Make cookie mix as directed, but add two additional teaspoons of oil.

3. Spread cookie dough into the bottom of a greased 13 x 9 baking pan.

4. Arrange sliced bananas over cookie dough. The slices should be touching. Don't be cheap.

5. Make brownie mix as directed on box. As specified previously, don't cheap out and buy anything other than Ghiradelli. Yes, it's a dollar more expensive than the "leading brand", but it tastes a heckkkk of a lot better and you can likely pass it off as homemade.

6. Spread brownie batter over the bananas. This is the most difficult part of the recipe because you'll have to exercise a little self control and do this carefully. You may fool yourself into thinking that there's not enough lovin' to go around, but think like a Red Light girl and understand that with enough spreading, all things are possible.

7. Bake for 30-35 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean.

I'm sure this recipe is better with all homemade batters, but as someone who never cuts corners in the kitchen, I figured I was allowed to cheat this one time, right?

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Cookie Dough Truffles

My last recipe was all about the weight loss, but since losing weight is so last season (i.e. I've given up), I figured it was appropriate to post a slam-dunk recipe for not just truffles, but for cookie dough truffles. Now you may be asking yourself, "Why do I need a special recipe for cookie dough truffles when I can make regular cookie dough or buy the scoop and bake crap from the store?" Well my friend(s), quite simply, you run the risk of dying if you don't the time to make this recipe. Fact. Actually, you probably won't die from eating raw cookie dough, but it could make you very sick and I'd prefer you not spend your sick/vacation time in the emergency room.

Truffles. What can I say about truffles other than the fact that they have in all honesty, contributed to my recent weight gain? Cookie dough. What can I say about cookie dough other than the fact that the cooked version of it has contributed to my recent sausage-esque appearance. Cookie dough truffles... Oh dear Lord, this could be bad news, but I'm willing to go on an all-water diet if that's what it takes to be able to stuff my face with these little balls of Heaven.

Ingredients:

1/2 cup unsalted butter, softened (I said softened, not melted. If you melt it, you're in for a BIG, messy surprise.)

3/4 cup light brown sugar

1 tsp vanilla

2 cups white flour (you could use wheat, but really... who are you kidding at this point?)

1- 14 oz can sweetened condensed milk (read: NOT evaporated milk)

1/2 cup mini chocolate chips

1/2 cup chopped walnuts (if you're going to skimp out on the nuts, double up on the chips)

2 bags of semisweet chocolate chips

Method:

1. Combine butter and brown sugar. Beat with a hand mixer until light and fluffy. Feel free to taste your mixture. It's good, isn't it?

2. Add vanilla.

3. Alternately beat in sweetened condensed milk and flour.

4. Retire your mixer for a sturdy spatula or spoon and mix in chocolate chips and nuts. Warning: You may develop a single diesel arm.

5. Roll into one-inch balls. Place on waxed paper and refrigerate for a couple of hours. Don't try to cut corners here... you need the balls cold and hard.

6. Over a double broiler (or if you know what you're doing, your microwave), melt the chocolate. With a toothpick, dip the truffles into the melted chocolate. Place back on lined baking sheets. Refrigerate until the chocolate is hard.

7. Join Weight Watchers. I'll see you there! :)

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Carrot Soup (You have 15 minutes, right?!)

History has never been my best subject, so the story I'm about to share may or may not be accurate. So during some war between the British and some other people, the very fawncy Englishmen heard that eating carrots would improve their eyesight. Therefore, in order to increase their odds of winning the war by being able to see their enemies, they gorged themselves with carrots. In fact, they ate so many that their skin turned orange! One summer day, my cousin and I, afraid of getting skin cancer, decided to test this theory and turn it into a rockin' tan. Our hue did not change, but I do believe we got sick because we each devoured about a pound of the orange stuff within a twelve hour period. Several years later, my mom got wind that I had been eating carrot soup for lunch and dinner for about a week straight and called to check up on me to make sure that my skin tone was not morphing into a certain color of the rainbow.

After realizing that the only part of my body that was affected by carrot soupapalooza was my weight (I lost eight pounds without trying). I decided to continue eating it for as long as I could stand. I have been making this recipe for a few years now, and it has yet to get old. It has the perfect blend of sweet and savory, and best of all, is loaded with vitamins. Also, it's a pretty awesome diet food because it's ridiculously low in calories but also extremely flavorful.

The measurements may not be totally exact due to the fact that I haven't actually measured anything other than the broth since 2009, but the instructions below should be more or less correct. Be daring and give my approximations a whirl. I mean- how bad can it be, right?

Ingredients:

1 pound-ish carrots, sliced into 1/2" thick chunks

6 cups chicken or vegetable stock

1 small onion, roughly chopped

1-2 cloves of garlic, pressed

pepper to taste

Method:

1. Locate the power cord, which should be connected to your crock pot. Insert into outlet.

2. Combine all ingredients.

3. Let cook on whatever setting you want. Need it in four hours? Done. Want to start this before work? Go ahead.

4. Once the cooking process has completed and the carrots are nice and soft, pour your soup (in batches) into a blender and puree the Hell out of it. Return each batch to large bowl or pot.

5. Combine all pureed batches and stir. If your soup is too thick for your liking, add water, and if so desired, a dash of salt. If it's too runny, oh well, better luck next time.

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Flippin' Delicious Apricot Chicken

I am crazy about turning ordinary food and ingredients into tasty, satisfying dishes that leave me feeling full without making me feel like I've just gorged on a few thousand calories. Additionally, I love trying new recipes, but often find myself taking someone else's ingredient card and modifying it about 90% of the way. That's how I came about the dish below. I wanted to find something to do with the apricot preserves that I'd just purchased, but the recipes that I found online all called for a package of french onion soup mix and a bottle of salad dressing. While they all got rave reviews and a full panel of orange stars, I steered clear. For starters, I didn't have any French onion soup mix (how dare I actually keep fresh onions in my cabinets), and because the very thought of loading my healthy chicken up with dressing made my stomach churn. Twice.

I can't offer you a comparison between my version of onion-y apricot chicken and the Lipton-salad dressing-apricot version, but I can definitely asssure you that the tasty delight that I'm moments from presenting will leave you wanting more and wondering why you've been marinating with only teriyaki for so long!

The served this with a side of veggie-sprinkled barley along with steamed broccoli. Perfect.

Ingredients:

2/3 jar apricot preserves

1 very small onion, chopped

1 tbsp butter

1/4 tsp-ish dried parsley (I only added this for color)

1 chicken bullion cube

2 cloves garlic

1 1/2 lbs chicken breast, sliced thin-ish

Method:

1. In a saucepan, melt the butter and saute the onions until they are slightly carmelized.

2. Add garlic and continue to saute for another minute.

3. Reduce heat and add preserves. Once the preserves have "melted", add parsley and bullion. With a spood, break the cube so that it gets distributed more easily.

4. Once ingrdients are incorporated, remove from heat.

5. Spoon preserve mixture over chicken breasts and allow to marinate. I let mine marinate for about 24 hours. You don't have to wait this long, but I did... because I'm awesome.

6. Preheat oven to 350'.

7. Bake for 20-30 minutes, depending on thickness of breasts.

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